The Loneliness Project

This Blue Journal By James Laurie

This Blue Journal



I stare silently at the pile of books beside me

Green Mindfulness, red pocket book, blue iPad,

Orange poems book

And this blue journal.



Sullenly I despise them all and what they represent.

Reading and writing.

The pressure to conform or to do.

The commitment to spend the required time reading and writing.



I breathe deeply and regularly

I observe everything about this room

The way the side curtain waves in the breeze

The two buttons on the back of my jacket

The kettle and empty crisp packet holding dead tea bags.



Outside, the grass and the sunlight

The sound of the wind through the trees

The two horses that died yesterday

Weigh heavy on my mind.



I begin to relax into this day

And I am pretending it is not happening

Little blue book knows nothing of the anguish and anger in my head

My thoughts, wondering how it can mean anything

And I know it doesn’t

Yet the shoulds and woulds and could have beens

Fill my head

And I guess I am being unreasonable

Or at least feeling unreasonable

Or ungrateful

For I am still here and have the power to still be



One more tea, then it’s time to go

One more tea.


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