The Loneliness Project
This Blue Journal By James Laurie
This Blue Journal
I stare silently at the pile of books beside me
Green Mindfulness, red pocket book, blue iPad,
Orange poems book
And this blue journal.
Sullenly I despise them all and what they represent.
Reading and writing.
The pressure to conform or to do.
The commitment to spend the required time reading and writing.
I breathe deeply and regularly
I observe everything about this room
The way the side curtain waves in the breeze
The two buttons on the back of my jacket
The kettle and empty crisp packet holding dead tea bags.
Outside, the grass and the sunlight
The sound of the wind through the trees
The two horses that died yesterday
Weigh heavy on my mind.
I begin to relax into this day
And I am pretending it is not happening
Little blue book knows nothing of the anguish and anger in my head
My thoughts, wondering how it can mean anything
And I know it doesn’t
Yet the shoulds and woulds and could have beens
Fill my head
And I guess I am being unreasonable
Or at least feeling unreasonable
For I am still here and have the power to still be
One more tea, then it’s time to go
One more tea.
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