Tell A Tale in 500 Words

The Medium By John Pistell

Right now things are going well: I have a fulfilling career, a loving wife, wonderful children, and great friends. But you don’t want to hear about that, do you? You want to hear about my life when it was a flaming pile of excrement.

My time immediately after graduating college was one of the valleys of my life. I hadn’t really focused on finding internships or jobs; I had wasted a lot of time in college dicking around with friends and watching forwarded amateur YouTube videos. I was in a bad way, and it was all my fault. Through family, I got a job as a page for my local library.

It was a sparse life. I lived on ramen noodles, yogurt, baby carrots, water, and the free samples at my grocery store. I had a roommate who left opened cans of tuna all around the apartment. But wait…there’s more! It got worse. I was caught smoking marijuana during one of my smoke breaks. The library fired me. I was also let go from the moving company after I overslept one too many times.

I had to move back in with my parents. I became depressed and ate my feelings. I ate a lot of cinnamon roll pastries from 7-11. I gained 23 pounds, which is the amount of ingredients in Dr. Pepper, another product that I consumed a lot of. I looked for work, but I didn’t really have an impressive record. I once grew so desperate that I almost feel for one of those internet make $75/hour scams.

It was in this state of mind that I actually ended up going to a medium. I approached his kiosk in the mall. I had just gotten a terrible haircut. “How much does a consultation cost?”

The psychic, Tyler Ford, told me the price was $15. But I had only $5 in my wallet, so he decided to give me a discount.

“I sense that something is troubling you. What is it?”

I unloaded everything. I told him how I was overweight and jobless. I told him that I lived with my parents and had no social life and no girlfriend. I was afraid I was going to cry.

“Don’t worry,” he said, “All you need to do is get up at 6 AM every day for 90 days. If you’re able to do that, all your problems will immediately disappear.” He also told me a bunch of superstitious bullshit. Obviously it was all untrue. I decided to get up at 6 AM everyday for 90 days in order to prove him wrong. So I did. Eventually I became bored just sitting around in the early morning, so I decided to jog around the neighborhood to kill time. Eventually, I started to look through the classifieds after my jog. Eventually, I turned my life around. Tyler was a charlatan, telling me just what I wanted to hear. I never thanked him for that.

 


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