Creative Comedy Project
The Gruesome Twosome By Debbie Taggio
Michelle Chowdhury, new girl and first brown person I'd ever seen up close had been put next to me in class. Smooth and shiny like a newly opened conker, her hair the colour of black keys on Miss Baker's upright in the corner. I loved her.
Oh! To be exotic and Michelle-like. My hated sticky-out ear protruded through the strands of my baby-fine blonde hair like Eric Morecambe poking his head between curtains on stage. The doctor pulled me out by my ear, he tugged so hard it straightened the folds and wouldn't go back; I pressed it flat against my head but it sprang out like a Jack-in-a-box. Mum told me I'd got stuck being born, well actually she'd said, 'in the birth canal' in a weird whispery way and her mouth didn't match the words coming out which reminded me of Monkey when Pigsy's lips finished moving before the sound stopped.
"Do you eat curry every meal? My dad says your lot do.'
'No. I've got jam sandwiches, a packet of Disco's and a Penguin today.'
'My dad hates foreign muck - that's what he calls it. I tried pasta once, I picked a piece of macaroni off my dried pasta collage; crunchier than I thought it'd be, but that could've been the white clump of glue. Does it rub off?'
'The colour. Does it soak off in the bath? D'you have white under the brown?
'I've got half a pinky.' She offered, changing the subject, and waggled the bottom half of her little finger at me. 'The bathroom door slammed and chopped it right off; I went to hospital and they said there was no hope. Dad said we should keep the half in a little box so when I die I can be buried whole like a eunuch; mum said she'd put dad's balls in a box, see how he liked it.
'What's a eunuch?'
'Something to do with a boy's pee pee area.'
'What!? Ugh! Your dad wanted to keep your finger with a boy's pee pee? Where'd he get one of those from?'
'Nooooo!' She laughed, 'All I know is that the balls get cut off.'
'Ouch!' I said as I crossed my legs.
''Dad told me a joke, d'you want to hear it?'
'How's your day been?' I dumped my coat and bag into mum's outstretched arms.
'Great! My new best friend's black and a eunuch; I found out I'm one too!'
'What on earth makes you think you're a eunuch?'
'Well, I don't have any balls, do I?'
'That's just boys, girls aren't born with them, they don't have them...ever!'
'What about Action Man? I've seen him and there's nothing there!'
'They don't put the bits on dolls, it wouldn't be seemly.'
'Can I tell you my joke?
'Go on then.'
'What has three balls and flies through space?
'I don't know, what?' Mum was getting tetchy.
'E.T. The Extra Testicle!
'Let's go home.'
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