Creative Comedy Project

The Felicity Fan Club By Clair Humphries

The Felicity Fan Club

Interior: public library. A girl sits at a table. She is in school uniform. On the table is a notepad and pen.

Voiceover: (Girl) Firstly, let me say I'm not a stalker. That would be, like, weird. And I'm not weird. Not at all.

A library assistant (Felicity) approaches. She is twenty, dressed in black, with black hair, piercings, goth-like make-up.

Felicity: Clear off, weirdo.

Girl: (delighted) Hi Felicity! What are you up to?

Felicity: (Scowling) What does it look like I'm up to? Doing my job - which includes telling geeky kids like you to clear off.

Voiceover: (Girl) This is Felicity, my best friend. Well, she will be my best friend, one day. When she realises she likes me. I come to the library every day, to hang out, but mostly I just look at Felicity because she's really cool.

Girl: I like your necklace, Felicity. It's really pretty.

Felicity examines her necklace. It is a black ribbon choker with a skull and crossbones attached.

Felicity: It's not pretty. It's harsh.

Girl: It suits you.

Felicity: Whatever. Anyway, get lost - we need this table.

Girl: What for?

Felicity: Library users.

Girl: I am a library user.

Felicity: No, you're a stalker.

Librarian: (out of vision) Felicity! Have you been shelving Game Of Thrones in the Under-Fives again?

Felicity: (shouts) What's the problem? It's got dragons in it, dwarves - it's stimulating -

Librarian: They're toddlers, Felicity. They don't need stimulation, they need Peppa Pig.

Felicity tuts.

Girl: Felicity is such a nice name. It suits you -

Felicity: Are you still here?

Girl: - It's generally accepted to mean 'happiness' although the Latin derivation is 'good fortune' or 'luck' and its origins can be traced back to Roman times as a form of the goddess Fortuna. See? (Triumphant) I used the library, to look that up, so I am a library user. Which means I can sit here. With you...

Felicity: (Exasperated) Seriously, just go! A library's no place for geeks!

Girl: What is it a place for then?

Felicity: Well, for a start these tables are reserved - for meetings, groups -

Girl: I am a group. I'm - (thinks) - the Felicity Fan Club!

Felicity: You're not a club. You haven't got any members.

Girl: I'm a member.

Felicity: You need more than one member to call yourself a club! You need rules -

Girl: I've got rules!

Felicity: Like what?

Girl: I can't say. First rule of the Felicity Fan Club is don't talk about the Felicity Fan Club.

Felicity: (walks off, muttering) Sad little weirdo...

Girl: (Calls after her) Unless you want to join too? Then I could tell you the rules and you could come to meetings and it would be the coolest thing ever!

She shrugs, opens her notepad and starts to write.

(Voiceover) Girl: 'Wanted: members for the Felicity Fan Club. Must be available for meetings to discuss the coolness of Felicity, this library's most helpful assistant and my new best friend...'


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