Creative Comedy Project

Not a Snowball's, Mate. By Amanda Graham

(PHONE CONVERSATION)



JON: You’re the only really funny person I know-



JESS: Aw, cheers, hon!



JON: -who’s old enough to get these references.



JESS: Ah.



JON: You know the book Anita and Me?



JESS: (chuckles) You read Anita and Me?



JON: (pause) I read the Wiki.



JESS: It’s really good.



JON: What’s the rivers of blood?



JESS: You read wiki but you don’t google?



JON: If I talk to you it’s more of an authentic voice.



JESS: I’m not Hindu.



JON: No, but you’re from the 70s.



JESS: Rrrright…so, Rivers of blood…



JON: Is it a Moses thing?



JESS: How do you know about Moses?



JON: What?



JESS: You never had to go to church-



JON: Half my girlfriends in Atlanta went to church.



JESS: And you didn’t burst into flames on entering?



JON: Sooooo- Rivers of blood?



JESS: Yes- You know all the shit being said about immigrants right now?



JON: Where?



JESS: Everywhere.



JON: Yeah?



JESS: That.



JON: So-



JESS: Wait- what is this for exactly?



JON: Competition.



JESS: What competition?



JON: Don’t remember- I’ve got it bookmarked…



JESS: Why are you entering a competition?



JON: (pause) Money.



JESS: Dad gives you money.



JON: (longer pause) I- I need something for my resume.



JESS: CV. (pause) Wait- In England 5 minutes and already stealing someone’s job? (tutting)



JON: I really want it. And immigrants are encouraged to apply!



JESS: So it isn’t with the Daily Mail then-



JON: Creative Director of the Old Vic.



JESS: (long pause) What is it like being you?



JON: What?



JESS: Do you know the saying ‘Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man’?



JON: Huh?



JESS: Exactly.



JON: Listen- this thing is due in a few hours. Who’s Jackie in the book?



JESS: (pause) I’m going to have to enter this competition.



JON: Come on!



JESS: FINE. Here’s the basics. The overall arc is identity - As a second generation immigrant, Meena’s trying to reconcile her family’s strong Punjabi heritage with her British surroundings.



JON: I understand. Since I’ve moved here, sometimes when I sit in the pub, I don’t know who I even am anymore.



JESS: That’s because you’re still not used to drinking full pints.



JON: It’s more than that.



JESS: Jon, You. Aren’t. English.



JON: I’m half English!



JESS: You could walk around with your British passport superglued to your forehead.



JON: What-



JESS: When they look at you, they will always think "Gun". Or "My ears are bleeding". Or "I fancy a Big Mac". That’s it.



JON: That will change.



JESS: The closest I’ve come to assimilation is my boss telling me “We don’t think of you as American.”



JON: That’s-



JESS: It took me TWELVE YEARS to hear that.



JON: I want that job.



JESS: Tell you what- I’ll just meet you at the Lass in 15 and we’ll go through this.



JON: Great thanks. I’ll get the pints in.



JESS: You better stick with half pints, Yank.

 


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