Creative Comedy Project
Not a Snowball's, Mate. By Amanda Graham
JON: You’re the only really funny person I know-
JESS: Aw, cheers, hon!
JON: -who’s old enough to get these references.
JON: You know the book Anita and Me?
JESS: (chuckles) You read Anita and Me?
JON: (pause) I read the Wiki.
JESS: It’s really good.
JON: What’s the rivers of blood?
JESS: You read wiki but you don’t google?
JON: If I talk to you it’s more of an authentic voice.
JESS: I’m not Hindu.
JON: No, but you’re from the 70s.
JESS: Rrrright…so, Rivers of blood…
JON: Is it a Moses thing?
JESS: How do you know about Moses?
JESS: You never had to go to church-
JON: Half my girlfriends in Atlanta went to church.
JESS: And you didn’t burst into flames on entering?
JON: Sooooo- Rivers of blood?
JESS: Yes- You know all the shit being said about immigrants right now?
JESS: Wait- what is this for exactly?
JESS: What competition?
JON: Don’t remember- I’ve got it bookmarked…
JESS: Why are you entering a competition?
JON: (pause) Money.
JESS: Dad gives you money.
JON: (longer pause) I- I need something for my resume.
JESS: CV. (pause) Wait- In England 5 minutes and already stealing someone’s job? (tutting)
JON: I really want it. And immigrants are encouraged to apply!
JESS: So it isn’t with the Daily Mail then-
JON: Creative Director of the Old Vic.
JESS: (long pause) What is it like being you?
JESS: Do you know the saying ‘Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man’?
JON: Listen- this thing is due in a few hours. Who’s Jackie in the book?
JESS: (pause) I’m going to have to enter this competition.
JON: Come on!
JESS: FINE. Here’s the basics. The overall arc is identity - As a second generation immigrant, Meena’s trying to reconcile her family’s strong Punjabi heritage with her British surroundings.
JON: I understand. Since I’ve moved here, sometimes when I sit in the pub, I don’t know who I even am anymore.
JESS: That’s because you’re still not used to drinking full pints.
JON: It’s more than that.
JESS: Jon, You. Aren’t. English.
JON: I’m half English!
JESS: You could walk around with your British passport superglued to your forehead.
JESS: When they look at you, they will always think "Gun". Or "My ears are bleeding". Or "I fancy a Big Mac". That’s it.
JON: That will change.
JESS: The closest I’ve come to assimilation is my boss telling me “We don’t think of you as American.”
JESS: It took me TWELVE YEARS to hear that.
JON: I want that job.
JESS: Tell you what- I’ll just meet you at the Lass in 15 and we’ll go through this.
JON: Great thanks. I’ll get the pints in.
JESS: You better stick with half pints, Yank.
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